Reality? Fiction? Can't Tell... | |
 | New Blog | Aug 2, '07 11:43 PM
for everyone |
My New BlogDecided to use Blogger again. So yes. If you are still interested in the rantings of my life, go to the new address. It is strange. I was with G when A called. And then the conversation revolved ard him wanting to meet G. It's quite hilarious honestly. g just sent me a sms saying that "he was flirting with me to irritate you". We play this game of irritating the other by saying things that we mean yet don't mean, encoding what we wanna say and saying it in a manner that we can't decide whether we want the other party to decode or to decode it according to our intentions. Another storm is brewing. the x is wanting to do the whole take back Na thing again. He was telling me and i was still trying to reason it out that she will not have the best if she's with her. He said that now that he knows that it could be happening, he's just wanting to minimise the effect it has on Na. I swear that's complicated business. There is a certain pattern to him contacting me. I call it the season of need. This is when he will call me almost every other day just to talk on the phone for a while. and then he will disappear for long long periods of time. It's just amazing how sometimes he doesn't realise that his gestures are very obvious. Or that i know what he's thinking. oh well... Horoscope for 18th July 2007
It doesn't really matter how fast you are trying to go, for you are dependent on circumstances outside of your control. The most sensible strategy is to slow yourself down before someone else does it for you. It may be frustrating trying to overcome the current resistances head-on. Instead, relax and let the events themselves dictate the speed at which you move.
I should really heed the advice of the cosmo. I really feel that it is not up to me to make the changes anymore or I am not the one dictating the speed at which my classes are moving. They are very unadaptable if after 4 weeks, they still can't get use to my way of doing things. Especially my T class. Yesterday, I think and I hope that they have realise their folly in not paying attention or allowing me to teach the class instead of discipling it all the time. If I mark the paper and take the marks down, it is very likely they are going to fail quite badly. While I'm not afraid that it will look bad on me, I don't really want to break their morale as well. That's why in the next week or so, i'm going to teach them enough to be able to tackle a revised version of the paper. It won't be much easier but if they listen, it will put them in a better position to do well for their CT. They are really very different from my former classes. I believe that they can do just as well if they just pay attention. They kept insisting that I'm giving them Express papers to do without realising that they have to move forward instead of backwards and keep on allowing the difference to exist. And they can't even be said to not have stability when it comes to teachers. We don't have the problems of not enough teachers just as yet and we are not relying on relief teachers to teach them. So there is no excuse why they can't progress out of their present stage.
I am, however, apprehensive about the fact that the previous teacher has painted a unreal picture of how the paper is like. Which accounted for the high marks for Mid year that I don't expect from a NT class. if it's along the 70++ range and not everyone is hitting that mark, i can understand. Barely a failure and almost everyone is hitting 80, that's suspicious.. not that i doubt the teacher's ability, but I feel it might have misled the students into thinking that they are above average, which they are not showing, at least not in my class.Horoscope for 18th July 2007
It doesn't really matter how fast you are trying to go, for you are dependent on circumstances outside of your control. The most sensible strategy is to slow yourself down before someone else does it for you. It may be frustrating trying to overcome the current resistances head-on. Instead, relax and let the events themselves dictate the speed at which you move.
I should really heed the advice of the cosmo. I really feel that it is not up to me to make the changes anymore or I am not the one dictating the speed at which my classes are moving. They are very unadaptable if after 4 weeks, they still can't get use to my way of doing things. Especially my T class. Yesterday, I think and I hope that they have realise their folly in not paying attention or allowing me to teach the class instead of discipling it all the time. If I mark the paper and take the marks down, it is very likely they are going to fail quite badly. While I'm not afraid that it will look bad on me, I don't really want to break their morale as well. That's why in the next week or so, i'm going to teach them enough to be able to tackle a revised version of the paper. It won't be much easier but if they listen, it will put them in a better position to do well for their CT. They are really very different from my former classes. I believe that they can do just as well if they just pay attention. They kept insisting that I'm giving them Express papers to do without realising that they have to move forward instead of backwards and keep on allowing the difference to exist. And they can't even be said to not have stability when it comes to teachers. We don't have the problems of not enough teachers just as yet and we are not relying on relief teachers to teach them. So there is no excuse why they can't progress out of their present stage.
I am, however, apprehensive about the fact that the previous teacher has painted a unreal picture of how the paper is like. Which accounted for the high marks for Mid year that I don't expect from a NT class. if it's along the 70++ range and not everyone is hitting that mark, i can understand. Barely a failure and almost everyone is hitting 80, that's suspicious.. not that i doubt the teacher's ability, but I feel it might have misled the students into thinking that they are above average, which they are not showing, at least not in my class. | Sigh | Jul 17, '07 4:00 AM
for everyone |
It is actually getting quite demoralising. I demoralise myself. I have resign myself to the fact that some people are just not worth the time and effort. Maybe I should open one eye and close the other. focus on those who wants to learn and listen. sianz. I'm moving again. This time to Ais' house. I moved back to my rental because mum can't get along with the cats and kept asking me to throw them away. nonsense. So i have to pack again and move again. sigh. but i think at least Ais' place will be more permenant until i figured my next step.
My first week at work was rather unsettling. My conviction that i'm a good teacher was seriously tested. I have just email the mendaki person that i'm quitting because 1. i don't have the time 2. the students are not putting in the effort. It's getting very tedious to get through to them. So i have to do this la. no choice. It will mean lesser money but since there's gonna be pay adjustment and now that i'm moving, the amount i have to pay might be less. And if it's more convenient, i can attempt to take public transport although i really don't see that happening.
But ok la. I'm still getting along fine. the relationship with my parents will be strained, no doubts. but well.. one has to take a stand sometime and giving up my cats is not an option. some people might think,"your cats more important than your parents ah?" well my way of thinking is that my cats will not be able to survive the outside but my parents will do well without me. so yea... I hate ignorant comments. Here are a few choice ones uttered about my cats.
1. to my sis "you better not carry the cat... a lot of bacteria.."
2. dad: "your cat's sniffing the furniture.. would he piss on them..." sis: "it's a cat not dog" thanks sis.
3. dad: "why don't you give one of them away?" me: -_-
And it will go on. I almost gave up and just move out again. I have not cried out of frustration especially when it came to my family for a good year now. And i don't want to do it another time. So i think i would really look into moving out at the end of the year. It's not going to be the easiest thing to resettle in especially when i'm so used to staying on my own. But i'd try.. at least for the next half year. Maybe by September, i would have a clearer idea of what to do. then maybe i would take my next step.Yay! I got my new phone. K810i. Fantastic!! I got it at $398, free bluetooth. so ok la.. i'm liking it thus far.. but my cats are not being willing models at the moment.. sian.. :( 
this is me with my new haircut. I have not been taking pictures for some time. *shrug* And this here is my new kitten. Her name is Xandria (took out the ALE from Alexandria). She is very young still. She is getting along fine with Curio. But Patience doesn't take very well to her. then again, neither does she. She got a bit of that street cat wariness so hopefully now that she's with me since young, it will be all good. like Curio. I swear sometimes i think he's a teddy bear and not a cat. That boy is so big now that when Xandria stands beside him, she is so terribly small. The vet (not stevie) said that she's 2 mths old. but i doubt so really. And she has been diagnosed with FIV. But the blood test isn't really accurate. So will do a second and a few more times just to make sure. I believe i will continue to keep her until she really show signs of pain and such. Then i will consider putting her down. See what happens. Because if she's infected, it will mean that the mother and the two brothers are both infected too. I must add that i didn't quite like how the other vet took blood from her. He took the blood from the throat area. like ouch. sigh. Hopefully when i bring her in next mth, her blood test will not show FIV. Core Modules
QCE521 Language Teaching Experience B-
QCR523 Literature Assessment, Writing and Teacher Reflection C+
QED523 The Social Context of Teaching and Learning A-
QPR520 Teaching Practice (CREDIT)
Prescribed Modules
QED579 Facilitating Sexuality Education in Secondary School B-
CAP: 3.35
But yes I have passed everything and graduated. Social context grade was a funny one, did surprisingly well for sexuality ed. Figured i might have scored higher (like a B) if i didn't hand in my assignment late. I know my Lit results was because of late assignment. then again, i'm never quite good at writing papers. So yeah. Anything la. As long as I passes. When they denied me access to my results i panicked like nobody's business man. I thought i failed sexuality ed. Luckily there was Mr. Foo to help me rationalise that if i did fail, they have no reasons to block my results too. which makes sense. So yes. Today i paid up my hostel bills ($50) and library fines ($150, don't ask) and they unblocked my results. woopee! Now I can be sure that I'm graduating. with all my friends! if that isn't something to be happy about i don't know what is. I think the major difference between this graduation and my NUS one is that i have my friends and cohort with me and it is definitely more exciting. Photos photos photos!! 
I've got my eyes on this phone. What's really great about it, is the camera function. We (me and KK) had our pictures taken during the party at sentosa last week and i was amazed at the photo quality. So it has sort of bumped N76 off my list. Although there are still somethings I like about N76, I don't really need another music playing device. What I have learnt about megapixels in a camera is that unless you are really blowing up the picture, it doesn't really differ all that much. Sony has one of the better camera ranges and incorporating it into a phone is like having a standalone digital camera with you at all times (since you bring your phone everywhere). So yes. This will prob be my birthday present to myself. (although any contribution in kind is welcomed. :p) I saw my dad's new phone the W880i. Slim and sleek. but the buttons are like slits.. camera ain't that wonderful as well.. But i think i would go look at it somemore and then decide. After i'm still waiting for Starhub to get back to me with regards to my loyalty voucher. if that comes through i should have a discount of $100. And honestly people, IF YOU DO NOT OWN THE PHONE AND HAVE NEVER USED IT, DON'T WRITE A FREAKING REVIEW ON IT AS IF YOU HAVE. Nonsense. When people are counting on you to give your feedback on the phone AFTER you have used it as point of reference, you just judged it by how it looks and the specs. gee.. At least I only talked about the function that i have tried out. sigh. don't understand the purpose and the meaning of a review still want to act like an expert. wth. 小情歌
作詞 / 作曲：青峰
這是一首簡單的小情歌
唱著人們心腸的曲折
我想我很快樂 當有你的溫熱
腳邊空氣轉了
這是一首簡單的小情歌
唱著我們心頭的白鴿
我想我很適合 當一個歌頌者
青春在風中飄著
你知道 就算大雨讓這座城市顛倒
我會給你懷抱
受不了 看見你背影來到
寫下我 度秒如年難捱的離騷
就算整個世界被寂寞綁票
我也不會奔跑
逃不了 最後誰也都蒼老
寫下我 時間和琴聲交錯的城堡
Ok. I'm hooked to this song. I think the main song writer (who also happens to be the lead vocal of 蘇打綠) has a way with words. He uses rather unusual words in the context of chinese songs. or words which i have not seen before. And his voice is rather unique. Hopefully they won't change much now that they are beginning to get recognition everywhere. | In Limbo | Jun 2, '07 12:37 PM
for everyone |
I believe I will be moving back to my parents'. Reluctantly. But it was a good year of staying outside, first in the hostel then at my present rented flat. I won't have given up this experience for anything. The next step, of whether I would rent a place nearer to school is a question I will constantly ask myself. Maybe at some point in time i will decide to get my own place. I can't get a HDB flat so it would most probably be private property. Or i would stay with my folks first over the next two years then decide my next step. But buying a place of my own is a definite plan, whether i'm getting married or not. I like owning things and I will treat the property as some kind investment. *shrug* Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson from her book "A Return to Love"
Or who am I to change things? I guess this is useful to my teaching of Sing to the Dawn. The is greatness in each and everyone of us.. but we have been told for too long to just conform to what we are supposed to do and not go out of line. But maybe it's time to challenge the boundaries of that line.
In other news.. went to the My Paper birthday bash yesterday with KK. I was really impressed with Ah Qin (FIR), Gary Cao and Soda Green. Ok I was MOST impressed with Soda Green. think i am going to go buy their album. :p I think i really needed this weekend to like recharge. Next week, I have to be back at my school tues and wed. Friday i'm going to go attend some party with KK. Will know what classes i'm teaching prob next wed. Have to start thinking about what to do with the various classes...
Sing to the Dawn. lit text.
But first and foremost. BINTAN! THANKS KK FOR PAYING MORE THAN HALF FOR THE TRIP AS MY BIRTHDAY GIFT!!! " Lust is what makes you keep wanting it, even when you have no desire to be with each other. Love is what makes you keep wanting to be with each other, even when you have no desire to do it."
Judith Viorst
Took this off the email that Jon sent. Brings out the idea of love without lust and lust without love very well.. but can one really exist without the other? I mean two people meet, the first thing they see or know about each other is the pysical appearance. Sometimes people are instantly attracted to each other. I think that's pretty much Lust at work. Love grows at a slower pace or so I believe. But it's really unthinkable to think of one without the other.
If it's just Lust, maybe there is still a vague possibility. There is no need for Love to be in the picture. Just pure physical attraction and boom! we can go!
But to have love and not lust.. well.. if it's a normal relationship, be it heterosexual or homosexual, it is not quite possible. The possibility of this equation working is slim but not non-existent. I believe ultimately two person got together because they have a physical attraction to each other then slowly these two person either evolve into a sex partnership without commitment to each other or they develop a real relationship. they come to depend on each other for physical intimacies and emotional support/intimacy as well.
But i think both Lust and Love are complicated broad issues that can't be classified into easy and not so easy. To some, satisfying their lust doesn't mean having to be with the other party. And then the other some people will think that Love is enough.
To each their own. After reading Teach With Your Heart, I want to read a few books:
1. Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl
2. Zlata's Diary: A Child's Life in Sarajero by Zlata Filipovic
3. The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
4. The Wave by Todd Strasser
5. The Colour Purple by Alice Walker
6. Night by Elie Wiesel
i would probably pick up a few from There Are No Shortcuts too.. It's about time I read decent stuff anyway. I cried while reading the book on the bus. It's been a long time since I cried over a book. Maybe I don't have enough time to read. Maybe I have not picked up a good book in a long time. So when I saw J with the two books, I know they are must-reads. I trust her to have the best or to want to read something that touched her. And touched me it did. The amount of committment she shown to her students - rejects that the system and society did not want, did not want to acknowledge, the hope she has given them, the future she has helped them build was possible because she worked and the students appreciated that effort and decided that they wanted a better life for themselves. They surpassed all society's labels on them and make a conscious effort to move out of the lives they had. I was touched. I am inspired. I want to be able to help my students find that purpose in life instead of drifting from one lesson to another. I want to be able to do it. I know I can if I put my mind to it.
And So It Shall Be.
As I read the book, something struck me.
How come no teacher in Singapore has ever written about their experiences? Instead the books they write are assessment and guide books. No one writes about their experiences with their students or talk about the struggles they have to go through. Maybe it wasn't that life-changing for them. *shrug* It's sad isn't it? I believe we have teachers in the system just like Erin Gruwell and Rafe Esquith. Only that they are not recognised or they can't be as public about their achievements
I'm glad I got the books. Other than the memoir, i also bought the freedom writers diary, and There Are No Shortcuts by Rafe Esquith. All good books about teaching. So I hope to learn, adapt and apply what I can in my own classroom. :) I will do it.
ok. Let's start with the Cheerful.
My cat wakes me up at 5am everyday to feed him. I am not joking. 5am. Everyday. He has gotten smarter and use his wet nose to come and touch my nose. When i try to hide under the comforter, he would use his paws to remove the comforter. and yes. he had mastered the skill of opening doors. He can't turn the knob but if i leave the door ajar, he can actually open it. And he has grown so much that at times i have difficulties picking him up. But it's still a joy to come back home to someone who is happy to see you. And just to watch him grow up and the silly tricks he pulls sometimes. His favourite spot now is on top of the printer in the dining room. and he's the official bug-catcher in the house. he gets excited whenever he spots a bug. it's quite funny.
Something Sweet
I don't know if I actually have anything that can be categorised under this heading. But I guess the fact that all my TP mates and contract teachers make it a point to look for each other during meal times and how we would convene to the staff lounge for our knitting club meetings is something that i would look back always with a smile on my face. The kind of "looking out for each other" mentality and the free-ness probably won't come along again. And I treasure every single moment of the time we spent with each other. How we all pitched in to mark the English papers, the Maths teacher helped us calculate the marks and put write it down on the class list. How we are each other's sounding board as the different papers are being marked (History and Geography, perhaps Physics as well). Last wed, we went for our clubbing prequel. Although it was not a full turn-out, we still had fun. Hopefully the one on Friday would be successful. then it will be the steamboat thing at my place plus our monthly meet-up if possible. The school should have really just let us sit together from the beginning. But I'm still glad that we managed to become rather close to each other and not afraid of voicing out our thoughts to each others. It's been a long ride but made easy because we know we have each other.
Something Silly
Would sleeping at 10pm almost everyday be a silly thing? I have had days whereby I slept from 6pm to 5am the next day.
And yes. My sort-of obsession with Wu Zun. He's such a cutie. reminds me of Mr. Pilot actually. They look a little alike too but it's their mannerism that's rather similar. But honestly, I don't mind being locked up in a room with Wu Zun and just look at him the whole day. Honest to goodness good-looking can.
Something Sad.
Erm. That i don't have a love life to speak of in the first place.. then again that never bothered me much. I had a thought the other day as i was watching yet another 偶像劇 and they never fail to make me think of my own lack of love life. The male lead told the female lead that she shouldn't fall in love with him because he would hurt her in the end. (I will not venture into talking about the show) Made me think of something someone once said to me. He told essentially the same thing, not to fall in love with him. So this came to mind: 叫我别爱上你，是怕会爱的太深而伤到彼此吗？Maybe it is thus. It is as if we won't be able to give each other the strength to overcome the pain. So it's better if we don't love each other. Easier said than done is my verdict. But I have always managed to handle disappointments easily. Just put them at the back of my head OR don't even think of the possibility. bah.
The other sad thing is of course the end of my TP. Actually, unlike some of my friends, my TP ended the week before last. 25th April was the last teaching day. So we have been going to school for invigilation or just basically being there. We marked papers also but well no more lesson plans was the most important thing. So we have been slowly getting used to the idea of no more teaching. But I would be leaving my practicum mates behind. I'm pretty sure we won't end up in the same school. Because my official address is AMK and I have appealed to my contract teaching school to take me back. So i hope everything pans out that way. But i will miss them. While I treasured the lessons I have learnt from my CTs, I can't say that I am close to them. TP mates provided the laughter mostly. It was a long and trying journey no doubts. But as I mentioned previously, it was made easier by the fact that i know someone will look out for me and I am being supported by like-minded people helped. So yes, I would miss every single one of them. I hope we really stick to the "meet once a month thing" It would be good to have people other than the ones who work with you to talk to or do some un-teacherly thing. Great memories.I'm depressed.
For some strange reason, I'm depressed.
Suddenly I just feel so tired (ok the fact i only had 1.5 hrs of sleep explains that too)
I feel like the whole TP, I'm just embroiled in writing lesson plans after lesson plan after lesson plan. And the lesson plans somehow determine whether i'm a good enough teacher. it sucks. I know i'm a good teacher, but it's difficult when you don't have a free rein. and ownership. Mayve age is catching up. I need to own everything, take control ya know. I need some space. thank God i have good prac-mates who don't mind my silliness and shit and how we can joke and talk nonsense like nobody's business.
I think i need some personal time where no one will talk to me about work. therefore i'm going tanning in sentosa on sunday if the weather is sunny. just need to get away from the madness. bah.
But i rejoice that the end is near. can't wait. can't wait.
Fade out. | |
